please shut the f*ck up

This morning I was pumping gas, and on the opposite side of my pump there is a guy also pumping gas. He’s speaking loudly; loud enough that I have to glance over and see what’s up. It’s of course Joe Business Class, this one with a bluetooth headset blinking away like a beacon of self-importance and while it occurs to me that there’s a chance he could somehow catch fire and possibly endanger me, I welcome it nonetheless as I am forced to listen in on his overexuberant rant.

“WELL, MY CUSTOMERS…”

hoboy, here we go. this is going to be a good one. he’s got the i-shoot-from-the-hip tone of voice going and everything. go on, go on.

“I’VE MADE MY NUMBERS FOR TWO STRAIGHT QUARTERS, AND MY CUSTOMERS ABSOLUTELY LOVE ME, I MEAN ABSOLUTELY LOVE ME, AND FOR TWO STRAIGHT QUARTERS I’VE MADE MY NUMBERS AND I HAVEN’T GOTTEN A BONUS. ALL THAT WORK AND FOR TWO QUARTERS IN A ROW NO BONUS.”

I become so incensed at this idiot’s gall – i mean, be lucky you even have a job. Now everyone within a block radius of Sunoco has to listen to your sob story about how you’re still actually able to pay your bills. I’m left to wonder exactly what this poor bastard will be forced to sacrifice now that he’s been subjected to economic turmoil. Maybe he’ll barely make the mortgage payment on the lake house. Maybe this will be the first month ever that he’ll go without a new suit. Or perhaps, worse yet, maybe he’ll have to continue to suffer through existence with his meager, almost pathetic 60-inch flatscreen. I become so angry inside just listening to him that I just start participating in his conversation. Out loud. He has no absolutely no idea.

“SO I MADE MY NUMBERS TO QUARTERS IN A ROW”

“you actually have a job you douchebag”

“AND OF COURSE, I GET NO BONUS, AND I MEAN I’M NOT COMPLAINING”

“yes you are”

“BUT ITS TWO QUARTERS AND NO BONUS, AND MY CUSTOMERS ABSOLUTELY LOVE ME”

“that seems impossible because you’re a huge asshole”

“BUT NO BONUS SO I’M GOING TO KEEP ON…”

I’m just tuning out now, and muttering things like “you are completely out of touch” and “you’re lucky you even have a job” and “asshole” and such.

I finish pumping gas, and I glance over one last time just to see if he’s acknowledged anything I’ve been saying, and of course no. Still blabbing away; he hasn’t heard a thing.

I walk around the back of my car to the driver’s side, and as I get in, I notice an older guy filling up his car at the pump to the left of me.

He heard everything. -cp