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As we get back to the car in Target parking lot, I notice that someone has parked impossibly close to me on the driver’s side. There’s something like 6 inches of clearance. Right away I’m like “WTF”. I shimmy in between the cars, and upon inspection there’s literally no way I could get in an open door, even sideways holding my breath. I’m livid. So I look around, and of course the driver is long gone. It had been snowing, and the offending vehicle had snow on the roof. My last resort was simple, as the canvas had presented itself. I summoned inspiration. And in a moment it came to me, and I executed. With my pointy finger, I wrote:

Dick

on the roof of the car in the snow.

I felt better. Kind of. I mean I’d rather have kicked her door in, but this would have to do.

As I turned my head and began to shimmy out from between the cars, here comes a mushroom-headed 60-something gal with a few pounds to spare. She’s headed for the car next to me, because that…would be her car.

We make eye contact.

I yell to her THANKS ALOT LADY.

She offers the dopey reply WHAT?

WELL JESUS, I MEAN I’M NOT A FOOT WIDE – HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IN MY CAR?

She isn’t putting it all together. Maybe she is. She sort of ignores me and puts her crap in the trunk. Kristen somehow works her way into the driver’s seat by way of the passenger seat, I hop in the passengers seat, and we back out of our spot. I’m guessing this is probably over.

As we’re backing up, I see the lady staring at me through my rear window. I’m staring right back. At the last possible moment, when our vehicle is placed into D, vice R, and we start to move away from the scene, the lady gives me the fastest, angriest bird ever delivered, with a face contorted in anger that only a caricature would properly illustrate. I’m beside myself. I’m laughing because it was the most sheepish, yet aggressive, bird ever recorded by man. She clearly was not experienced and had no idea how to use that thing.

We leave. And while crusty old bag may think she won the day with her rapid bird deployment, I took great pleasure in knowing that for at least the duration of the day, the top of her car would read Dick.

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