Super Troopers

THERE’S this one spot I love on I95 North between Hampton and Portsmouth. It’s a stretch of highway that flows slightly downhill, right under an overpass flanked by a truckstop on one side and Novel Iron Works on the other. With regularity there is a state trooper hiding behind a bridge abutment there, and if you have half a brain and one good eye you can see him from a mile away.

This morning it was totally awesome. I was coming down that stretch, and there’s this black Lincoln LS behind me, and closing in like he’s about to pass me on the right or otherwise sit in my lap. Massachusetts plates of course. I’m doing 80ish, and I figure I’ll move out of his way since he clearly has somewhere very very important to be.

Now just ahead, about a half mile away from us, there’s an exit waaaay over to the right. But if you really wanted to take that exit, you’d already be over on the right. Just like on any highway anywhere in the universe. After all, I95 has 4 full lanes of traffic, and only a crazy douchebag would try to cut off the entire highway at once to go from one side to the other. Now keep in mind, the both of us are motoring along down the lefthand side of the highway. We clearly are not taking this exit. Because we are doing 80+ on the lefthand side of the highway. And that exit is on the right.

So sure enough, I move over to allow this guy to blow by me, and he comes right up behind the next person ahead of him, who is really pissing him off because they are apparently braking for no reason whatsoever in the passing lane. Oh wait, except because THERE’S A STATE TROOPER SITTING RIGHT UNDER THE BRIDGE WHERE HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 20,000 YEARS.

So the trooper has the guy nailed. As he pulls out of the cop-stop and accelerates past me, I take both hands off the wheel and clap out a roar of applause. I hope he saw me but I doubt it. But I love it! I’m loving it. It was like a standing ovation but sitting. I’m flipping out because I’m so excited. My day has already turned completely around and nothing bad has even happened yet so it’s just an extra good day in the making.

If you were all about taking your medicine and owning up to your own behavior, you would do what 99% of all people who have a cop behind them do – pull over.

Or, if you’re a dirtbag, you’ll cut off every lane of traffic and try to run from the cops! Believe me, this guy wasn’t taking that next exit before he had a state trooper in his rearview mirror. But he sure as hell was taking it now! It was so unbelievably obvious what this guy was trying to do, and I wish I had seen the conclusion. I hope it ended with face down on the trunk hands behind your head. It couldn’t not have; I mean, you couldn’t even argue the guy was “just trying to get to the right”. Most people would do that using a blinker and probably reduce their speed. This was soooo COPS it was ridiculous. I just can’t say enough about our law enforcement officers. When one douchebag gets taken off the road, we’re all better off. Sionara douchebag!