I had been thinking lately about the t-shirts that I wear, and how I really wish I had the time/initiative to buy new and witty shirts on a regular basis to keep my appeal fresh. I’ve tried this in the past, but unfortunately the size of the shirts I am referring to and actually own – “Crab Races” and “Fish Tacos”, both American Eagle offerings, are unfortunately too large for me and thus I am unable to wear them comfortably in public, rendering them useful for domestic purposes only.

While in Target, an array of t-shirts caught my attention, and I inspected them with great interest. Target actually has quite an assortment of novelty tees. In particular, I was drawn to “High Five” and “Very Nice!”, both bearing the likeness of Borat. Another shirt had a silhouette of a little man playing video games, which bore “NOT NOW I’M BUSY”. This spoke to me, and I felt very much at home in this section of the store. Needless to say I loitered for a good ten minutes, but ultimately left with nothing. Also there was a cool one with a fuzzy raised man with an afro that said “I have a black belt in CRAZY”. That one I may go back for.

Later that day, Kristen and I ventured to the Mall of New Hampshire, and while making our along a reasonably uncrowded indoor thoroughfare, this little girl passes me, moving at a deliberate pace, but not so deliberate that I cannot make out the saying on her t-shirt. This – my god I almost called her a chick – little girl I estimate to be 8-10 years of age and mummy and daddy have apparently granted her permission to wear a small pink shirt declaring LITTLE MISS BOOTY.

Still reeling from the shock of child pornography, we made our way into the Gap. After my requisite 2 minutes of dismissing every article of men’s clothing as too young for me, I find myself at the rear of the store, where I spot these two goth chicks pouring over a rack of pants. I stare, not because these girls are more Hot Topic than Gap, and not because of any kind of apparent hotness, but because one is sporting a tee shirt that, while I can’t make out all the words because some words are obscured by a messenger bag strap, almost certainly says YOU F*CK something something. But it really said the F-word. And there was a little heart.

I what what!!!?? No I don’t! I don’t even know what you are saying that I do and I know I don’t. I can’t believe I left without a confrontation. But I did not want to risk getting eye-makeup-ed to death or be caught in the gravitational pull of her lip ring.

I’m torn. I love novelty tees. But I hate little kids having them. But if there were no little kids would they even bother making novelty tees? I know this is a lot to wrap your head around but I really need a solution to this problem.

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