Guest reviewer: Andy Keniston

Cracker fool.

We’ve all indulged in the little vending machine gems “Austin Toasty Crackers with Peanut Butter” (ATCwPB) from time to time. Its late at the office, and you slide into a pak for a mere 60 cent investment, for they are buttery, rich and full of delicious peanut butter substitute. If you think that your doing yourself a favor by picking these over a comparable Hostess(tm) Apple Pie delight, then you are wrong, DEAD WRONG. Recent research has uncovered that these little beauties contain more transfat than a Mickey D’s Big N’ Tasty® with Cheese! Infact, you could eat a Filet-O-Fish® AND a McChicken ® and still have room for a Premium Grilled Chicken Ranch BLT Sandwich before you reached the Trans-Fat value provided in 6 unassuming little crackers. And who’s behind this trans-fatational scheme hell bent on destroying America’s Youth? None other than the Keebler Elves. The same dwarfy henchmen that are subverting American values with thier “Fudge Shoppe” line of deathsticks. So next time you pony up to the office vending machine, choose wisely. Do you want happy-time Chef Boyardee Lunchtime(R) Raviolis, or Evil, Evil toasty carceingogenic pathogen ridden crackers that will consume your soul and ignite and army of purgatory hell beasts that will lay wreck to your very marrow?!?!?

Next Week. Samoas or Caramel DeLites, You Decide.

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