Submitted to hotpockets.com on February 27:
Dear parent company which has custody of the Lean Pockets brand,
In the interests of simplifying my communication when describing both HotPockets and LeanPockets collectively allow me to refer to said amalgam as xPockets.
Let me begin with praise. Not being much of a frozen, prepared-foods kind of guy, I commend you on a commitment to taste and consistency that is HotPockets and LeanPockets. Personally, I roll with LeanPockets as my regular go-to lunchtime fare, mixing it up with HotPockets when I feel the taste adventure warrants a foray into the extra fat and calories, forsaking the marginal health benefits of such a decision for unadulterated taste.
I have even gone so far as to evangelize your BBQ chicken offering on my blog, which I invite you to peruse at your leisure at http://em50.blogspot.com/2007/02/consumer-watch.html. This is technically work-related so you cannot possibly be faulted or otherwise reprimanded for visiting this site while on the clock, as it provides critical backstory to this particular customer service inquiry.
On a day like today, things move pretty fast. You shower adequately, grab an xPocket from the freezer, and drive like a moonshiner from A to B, once at B discover you have a meeting at C, and by the time you remember what it was you hoped to accomplish today it’s 11:45am and lunch is knocking on the door like an L.A. rioter at a Footlocker on South Broadway in 1992. I do what I know; I go for quality and consistency and speed in this situation. The means to that end is my xPocket. Specifically, my LeanPockets Whole Grain Supreme Pizza bearing product code 7004544343B12 EST BESTBY JUL2008 7721A.
I tear open the cardboard sarcophagus and dispense my two tiny but tasty coffins of lunchtime delight. But that’s all that would be dispensed because fate has dealt me a hand today, and that hand is a losing one. The one that….listen I’m running out of time so let me just lay it out for you. I didn’t get any crispy sleeves. None. Zero.
Hunger ravaging my insides, your company had forced me into an unwelcome course of action whereby my Pockets would have no choice but to endure their reanimation without the comfort and security of reflective cardboard cooking shelters. I’m scared. But I have to.
The ramifications of this are virtually implausible and after the requisite 2 minutes and 45 seconds of consumer-grade radiation, i opened the microwave door to a floppy, flaccid, saggy, lifeless lunch reality. Taking a knife to my xPocket was like performing surgery on a live eel as it wiggled and resisted the friction of my blade. Frustrated, I resorted to a complete cooling cycle of the product which proved the only workable solution to the consumption of what I had expected to be another home run for the xPockets franchise.
I am left now wondering what my next foray into the xPockets realm will yield. Perhaps the good fortune and spoils of a BBQ Chicken HotPocket. Or the sad disaster of LeanPockets Whole Grain Supreme Pizza bearing product code 7004544343B12 EST BESTBY JUL2008 7721A.
As your greatest advocate I await your counsel in this time of crisis.
Real City, Real State