Consumer watch

I’m on a roll this week. I’m a new-food-trying machine that cannot be stopped.

Don’t buy Pepperidge Farm Oatmeal Cranberry cookies. They suck. The oatmeal flavor is half-assed at best and the cranberries are a joke. This bag of cookies is a waste of time. I dropped 3 large on these puppies and that is a major investment for 8 cookies. Forget it. F*ck you Pepperidge Farm. You fucked me over and that’s all there is to it.

Now as some of you know, I am on year 5 of my lifetime boycott of fast food. I do not, as many would agree with me, consider Dunkin’ Donuts fast food, and as such I felt compelled to succumb to in-store advertising and take the plunge on a tasty looking sandwich. Definitely give the Maple Cheddar breakfast sandwich a shot. It has all the elements I like: I like croissants, I definitely like scrambled eggs, and who the hell don’t like sausage, and I also like maple things. It all comes together pretty well. It’s not over the top.

Now, as far as preparation goes, that’s a whole other trainwreck that you probably don’t want to witness firsthand. The nice Dunkin’ lady wears disposable gloves to handle all the critical parts – your patty, your egg-like disc-shaped yellow product, and the cheddar, and the fresh croissant. Problem being, those bits have to be put together, and microwaved in a particular order that rivals the complexity of the tiles in the idol room from Indiana Jones. Bottom line, even though we’re wearing gloves, we’re still touching pretty much everything like buttons and handles, which wouldn’t be too big a deal except that on any given apparatus the most touched surfaces usually are…buttons…and handles. Anyway I didn’t get sick or anything and that means most normal people will definitely not get sick and will probably actually get stronger.