Why does everything that used to be awesome have to suck now

I found this today – it’s a letter that I wrote to the Popsicle corporation about 2 years ago. They never wrote back because basically Popsicle sucks at making people happy.

Dear Popsicle,

20 years ago, things were amazing. My responsibilities were nill, and my only obligation to this world was to consume Jello pudding pops at a fantastic rate. My grandparents would subsidize my pudding pop habit, one pop at a time, leaving me wanton for more and looking forward to the next weekend I would spend with them, face down in a pepperoni pizza, chased by the amazing taste of Cosbyesque pudding glory on a stick. It was pure prepubescent hedonism, and it all went away into the toilet when Jello Pudding Pops were taken off the market.

Imagine my raw insanity, 20 years later, seeing Jello Pudding Pops in my grocer’s freezer; a common reaction, I’m sure. After nearly splitting my pants in excitement, I lobbed a box of Popsicle Jello Pudding Pops into my cart, happily tendered the retail price of the product, and returned home in anticipation of what was certain to be a reunion fueled with raw emotion and pop eating.

Now that I had given Generation 2 Pudding Pops such high billing, it was surely going to be impossible to meet my incredibly lofty expectations. Well, you’re damn right it was. These pops are a pure, unadulterated travesty which have sent me spiralling into a dark place from which I may never recover. No pop in the Generation 2 Pudding Pop catalog even resembles an actual Jello Pudding Pop. Vanilla tastes exactly like vanilla frosting on a stick. Probably a hit with the 400lb. and over crowd, but I assure you, not a treat for the masses. Chocolate? This tastes exactly like some other kind of chocolate stick-shaped pop you’ve got going under the Popsicle moniker. And the “Chocolate/Vanilla Mix” flavor? Well hell, I don’t even know, because we only got one in the entire box, and we’re afraid to eat it. I don’t know why we’re afraid, but we are. I submit for you my disapproval, and wonder what, if anything, can be done to account for the portion of my soul and the $2.99 I invested in this twisted endeavor. Respectfully yours, Chris Plummer.

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