Day of bearded reckoning

Precisely 6 weeks ago, I woke up and made a very important decision: I am going to not shave today, under the guise that I am growing a “beard”. BULLSHIT

I then resolved to let this ruse evolve for a period of several weeks, giving others the impression that I was working toward some kind of higher facial hair objective, while in reality the scheme was nothing more than a way for me to spend some extra time sleeping in the morning. I must say, it has worked out brilliantly. I wake up and GO. I’ve basically been on time for almost two months now, and I really don’t know if I want to break up the streak. LAZYASS

Beards give you HUGE street cred. When a beard speaks, people listen and FEAR the beard. They do what you say and take you seriously. Plus, it bridges the gaps that have been created in our society. Beards speak to the working class AND put fear into the upper crust. I believe people fear beards because a lot of terrorists have them, and everyone is afraid of terrorists.

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women, and I am neither one.” The Greeks supposedly said this, and lets be honest, who is more badass than the Greeks. Basically no one, unless you count the Spartans. Actually, the Spartans were Greek…so that means I basically just made TWO points right there. Not many people can do that, and if they can, they definitely have a beard because that point is obvious.

I know that Kristen positively hates the beard. This is a bit curious because she is of Greek descent. Time to read up, sister. Zeus = beard. Look into it

According to beards.org you should give a beard 6 good weeks before you make a decision. After having read that website again, it now appears that 6 weeks was only some kind of completely arbitrary deadline and that pretty much makes me wonder why I didn’t catch that before because I’ve basically been living my life by that number since early October and if I would just learn to read a little more carefully maybe I wouldn’t be an idiot. You moron