This morning I was happily tooling through Portsmouth when I notice this green ford escort in my rearview mirror, almost planted in my rear bumper. He really had somewhere to be, I guess. I could tell by the look of urgency on his face that I was really holding him up. And I could tell that his level of urgency and mine weren’t really matching up this morning.
When I came to a complete stop at a stop sign, I could sense that my cautious nature was making him agitated. And when I opted to carefully creep into moving traffic, rather than blast into the middle of the road like an asshole, I could see by the look on his face that I was not winning any points with this guy.
Now I typically give pedestrians little chance to scamper across the road in front of me. In my opinion, stopping quickly uses up brakes, and brakes are expensive. If you equate the cost of brakes for a 2004 Subaru Forester vs. a few seconds of waiting incurred by a license-less pedestrian, I am confident that I come out the winner in this situation and should be permitted to not yield to pedestrians. But in light of Fucky McGee behind me, today I was feeling unusually charitable. And as luck would have it, he was tailing me pretty good when I decided that today was an old lady’s lucky day, and I jacked on the brakes with about five feet to spare between me and the crosswalk, giving a kind old lady an opportunity to make a very careful crossing of the street.
The scene in my rearview was awesome. This guy was so pissed off that my heart started racing! It was INTENSE! I’ve never actually seen someone punch a sunvisor before, but I have already stated that today was a lucky day. What’s that, old man? You are a few steps behind old lady, but you too wish to cross? By all means! I am your shepherd! No lurching, all patience, not one wheel moves before its time. After all, it is the law. When you are doing something like this, and some wad is behind you losing his mind in a fit of pure constipated rage, this is a moment of enlightenment when you feel like a higher being.
That’s pretty much it. I kind of fucked you over because there’s no awesome ending. I kept going straight and he took the next right at about 400mph.