First of all, this time would be devoted to lambasting some other poor douchebag, but I didn’t catch his license plate number. That guy was a real quality jackass. I was wondering why we were crawling along in the passing lane on 101, and I can see this f*cking bastard in front of me with his wrists propped on top of the wheel, trying to manipulate his precious little Blackberry or whatever techno-bullsh*t he was up to. As my patience for assholes behind the wheel is limited, I resort to the ‘ol pass-on-the-right, deliver the “WTF” glare, and make my way in front. Only to get in return – wrists still propped on the wheel – the bird! Are you out of your f*cking mind? You’re the one trying to kill us all with your 4-wheeled email killing machine, and I get the bird. What can you do? You return the bird posthaste, and keep about your way, marvelling at the sheer stupidity of grown men. But as I was saying, this isn’t even about that guy – it gets better.
By the way, you are going to notice that some swear words get stars, and others do not. Who cares.
Thursday I’m heading home, happliy flying down 95, minding my own business, doing my own thing in not the passing lane. I wasn’t feeling the love for the passing lane. And when you’re not feeling the love, you stay the f*ck out of it so someone who does have the love can motor on through. So I’m merrily piddling in lane 2 of 4. In lane 3, about a carlength ahead, I spot a blue 2006 Toyota Camry Massachusetts registration license plate number 72YW78. I keep staring at it because the new Camrys are pretty sharp looking and they usually draw my attention.
Within some number of seconds less than ten, Toyota Camry Massachusetts registration license plate number 72YW78 gradually starts wandering into my lane. Rather than spend all of my ammo in one grand blast of the horn, I produce a series of staccato toots (“toot” is pretty much the best a Suby can do), while trying to get a better view at the…yes the f*ckign bitch is on her cellphone, of course she is. Rather than absorb her vehicle into mine, I do what every goddamn sensible driver has to do in this situation – emergency lane change to the left, pull alongside the offending vehicle, and get a look at what we’re dealing with. Now this one was priceless. PRICELESS. It had no price.
As I pull alongside, I see her very slowly – in this total covert kind of move that I have never ever seen before in a vehicle – she carefully moves the phone away from her ear with her right hand, with this kind of super slow-mo surgical precision, as if she was defusing a bomb, and then she just kind of hides it around her right side like she was concealing a beer bottle at the prom. Her face yields this look of shame which, for the life of me, I wish I could have photographed. Why the hell are you trying to hide your phone from me? We’ve all figured it out, there’s no big mystery here – why am I asking you questions in this blog? There’s no way in hell you are reading this, and if you haven’t already swerved into a bridge abutment and died, you might want to trade in that Camry for something safer like a horse or maybe look into prostitution which from what i’ve seen doesn’t seem to demand a whole lot of interstate driving.